The Corporate Chief Executive Officer Big Leagues are a rough arena. The Top CEO$ are working hard every day to exploit workers and squeeze every dime they can out of corporations to pad their pockets and make sure their yacht fleet game is on point.
Below are the FIRST EDITION PLAYING CARDS of the best of the best, most miserly of the miserly American CEO$. It takes dedication and a real sense of entitlement to justify making hundreds of times what your median employees do, hats off to these guys AND gals!
Let’s count them down!
#1 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! GM’s Mary “Mexico First” Barra. $21.87 million in the 18!
Hundreds of millions from tax cuts! Hundreds of millions from federal contracts! STILL OFFSHORING! STILL FORCING UAW International Union WORKERS ON STRIKE! Way to keep your executive interests prioritized even in the face of so much public anger! You’ve got the heart of a weasel kid – we can see how you made it to the corporate big leagues.
#2 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! AT&T’s Randall “The Rat” Stephenson – $29.1 million in 2018 alone!
Promised ON VIDEO that if the tax rates were lowered AT&T would create 7,000 good, quality jobs for every billion dollars of investment. AT&T looks to receive up to $42 BILLION from the tax cuts and instead has ELIMINATED over 23,000 good, quality jobs in just the past two years. Gets called out by hedge funds, politicians and workers alike for breaking pledges and running AT&T into the ground. Literally no one likes this guy.
With a sharp eye for lining his own pockets and a startling ability to lie on film showing no moral compunctions afterwards keep your eye on this veteran CEO. His days look limited but he’s certainly made the most of his time in the CEO big leagues. Don’t underestimate “The Rat’s” ability to score himself some more of that sweet, sweet executive cheese.
#3 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! McDonald’s Steve “The Wageburglar” Easterbrook – $15.9 million in 2018 alone!
This guy is lovin’ it! Making a WHOPPING ***2,124*** times what an average worker does. That means in an hour Steve gets paid what they make in a FULL year. That is one SUPERSIZED SALARY! For a company that raked in $21 BILLION in 2018 you would sure think they could afford to pay the workers generating that windfall of cash a livable wage. I guess those arches really are made of gold – for the CEO.
Pulling the classic CEO bait and switch McDonald’s promised in 2015 to raise employee wages. Guess again workers! In the old school CEO playbook Steve and Co. never made good on the pledge and instead spent the next 4 years lobbying AGAINST raising the minimum wage. That is some deep-fried corporate deception right there! Things are looking grim for the Wageburglar though, as McDonald’s has now vowed not to fight against raising the minimum wage as groups like Fight for $15, Raise The Minimum Wage and Jobs With Justice are standing up against this CEO big league tyrant.
#4 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! Walmart’s Doug “Dougie McMillions” McMillon – $22.8 million in 2018 alone!
“Save money. Live better. By not paying your employees fairly and giving all that money to Doug. In 2018 the median salary for over 2 million Walmart employees was $19,177. That means the Dougster makes an astronomical 1,188 TIMES MORE THAN THE WORKERS. Because they’re always low paid. ALWAYS. With an estimated 70-80% of the merchandise coming from China and countless local businesses shut down you start to learn the true high costs of those low prices.”
Import the overwhelming majority of your goods from China – CHECK! Use that offshore labor to lower your prices and put Ma and Pa shops out of business – CHECK! Pay your workers a pittance of what they are due and leave the government to pick up the subsidized slack of making sure they can feed their families – CHECK! Great move going overseas to minimize your labor costs and maximize the environmental damage. That is how you build a family net worth estimated at over $190 BILLION DOLLARS in 2019. The Walton’s should be very proud of themselves and great job Doug being the CEO of the Company making it happen. In wealth we trust.
#5 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! Regeneron Pharmaceuticals’ Leonard “Dolla Dolla Pills” Schleifer – A STAGGERING $118 MILLION LAST YEAR!
“Regeneron may say that when it comes to ethics, there are no gray areas…but there sure is green in them there pills! Leo led the big pharma league last year as the highest paid health care CEO. If you have been wondering why drug prices are so inflated, I think we may have found one of the culprits. As your bill at the pharmacy keeps rising you can at least rest easy knowing that the CEO$ pay is keeping pace.
One out of 4 diabetes patients in our country cannot afford their insulin…but that sounds like a YOU problem to big pharma CEOs raking in obscene amounts of pay. You may not be able to afford the cost of that EpiPen for your kid’s allergic reactions, but American pharmaceutical companies know you will still find a way to pay for it…because the alternative is being dead! There are gouging laws to protect you in an emergency from your local gas station jacking up prices, but for some reason it’s hunky dory for life saving medicine to have 1000%+ mark ups so the CEO$ can make HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR PAYDAYS. Raise your glass (and heck – double the price!) to our American big pharma industry.
#6 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! Kroger’s Rodney “The Non-Essential Millionaire” McMullen – bagging up $11.7 MILLION LAST YEAR!
“Guess who gets to work from home during the pandemic? While the median Kroger employee is making less than $25,000 a year and is still expected to work the checkout line, Rodney “The Non-Essential Millionaire” McMullen is stacking that Kroger cake high! The Rodster earned a whopping ***483 TIMES*** that of a median worker in 2019.”
The crazy part being…this is an improvement! Last year Rod’s CEO pay ratio was 547 times the median employee. In 2017 Kroger had the third highest CEO pay ratio of ANY local public company that reported. So what does that say to the essential employees who are risking their lives every day to keep the country fed during the COVID-19 pandemic? Let them eat cake – Kroger cake!
#7 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! Disney’s Bob “The BEA$T” Iger – pocketing over **$110 MILLION** from 2018 and 2019!
“Go on take the money and run! You didn’t think we’d let this guy escape so easily, did you? The Bob$ter made an abrupt exit as Disney CEO in 2020, but not before raking in over *** $110 MILLION *** for the past two years! Apparently the happiest place on earth in 2018 was where the CEO-to-median employee pay ratio was 1,424 to 1. That’s a BIG paycheck for a SMALL world.
You’ve really hit the CEO Big Leagues when Abigail Disney, the heiress to Disney, is calling you out for gross levels of executive compensation. Per Ms. Disney – “If your CEO salary is at the 700, 600, 500 times your median workers’ pay, there is nobody on Earth, Jesus Christ himself isn’t worth 500 times his median workers’ pay.” So what’s it mean when that number is over 1,400 to 1???
#8 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! Weight Watchers Mindy “Gross, Man” Grossman – devouring a tasty $33.4 million in 2017!
“Now that’s a spicy meatball! Grossman was watching her bank account grow in 2017. She ate up a staggering 5,908 to 1 worker to CEO pay ratio. So congrats to all you folks out there working hard so that Mindy can earn in an hour what you earn in a…Week? Month? YEAR!!?”
It takes quite the appetite for disparity to justify this kind of income inequality, but luckily for Weight Watchers their CEO is hungry to earn! Turns out healthy habits take a back seat to fair wages at the corporate table. So you can rest well all you Weight Watchers knowing that wellness works…for Grossman.
#9 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! Apple’s Tim “iChina” Cook – Leeching a behemothic $133.7 million in 2019.
“We finally found out who #2 works for…Apple! The Big Red Machine here was the second highest paid US CEO in 2019. Making a gargantuan ***289 TIMES*** what the median worker made. But he’s worth it, because he founded the company…no wait, because he works over 500,000 hours a year…no wait, he’s not worth it. No CEO is worth that monstrous of a pay gap.
This is a company that literally had to install nets around their overseas factories because the working conditions were so bad employees were leaping to their deaths instead of continuing under such horrendous conditions. That’s commitment to keeping the team together! But hey, the new iPhone SE has an A13 Bionic processor! You just need to think different. Better yet, don’t think about it at all.
#10 – TOP CEO$ PLAYING CARDS! Tesla’s Elon “GX33D15G00D” Musk – Topping the charts with over $595 MILLION in 2019!
“It’s getting MU$KY in here! That sickly sweet smell must mean that we have finally found our winner. Elon is the 2019 champ for CEO pay. He rocketed past the competition with almost $600 MILLION in compensation. So while his spaceships might be having trouble leaving the planet his paychecks are out of this world.”
Looking like he should be torturing James Bond somewhere, this is a guy whose CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 2018 was over 40,000 to 1. To put that in perspective, for every island his median salary worker can buy, the Musk Man can buy 40,000 of them. Wait, they can’t afford an island on what he’s paying them? Suckers. Nice to see that the system we’ve collectively built where you can safely create, protect and sell your innovations has let individuals become billionaires on the backs of hard toiling American workers.
NOTE – We have a massive problem in the United States with income inequality. Executive pay is a huge part of it. It is time we fixed it. #AmericanWorkersFirst